I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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