Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
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I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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