If i come over, it means nothing
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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