I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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