We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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