I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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