Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
