I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
