I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
