I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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