Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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