I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
