Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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