He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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