I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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