two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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