His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
