Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
