the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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