bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
