how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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