I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
