Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
