i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
