When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
