u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize
