I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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