Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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