When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
