so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
