god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
