just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
