You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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