i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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