I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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