I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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