remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
