I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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