do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
