Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
