omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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