Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
