At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
