I think my fart just growled at me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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