Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
