Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
