i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
