It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
