I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
