i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
