i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
