tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
