yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
